hell yes lets make some ravioli
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
