turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
