I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
