I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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