dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
