So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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