Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
