in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
