When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
