I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
