if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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