I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
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God gave him joint rollers for hands
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
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I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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