don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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