I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it's like iHOP with fire
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
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My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
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He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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