I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
