It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
