I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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