tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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