Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
