I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
