dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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