this just has baby written all over it
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
