the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
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I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
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That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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