I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
