I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
