Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
