I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
