capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
