My Higher Power is John Stamos
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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