We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
