Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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