Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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