she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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