His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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