During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
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Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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