You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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