So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
