guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
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