I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
