Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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