They should really pass out barf bags in church
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
