I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
