she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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