you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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