I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
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I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
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That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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