wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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