If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
