Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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