I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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