Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.