I accidentally burped into my bong.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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