I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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