i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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