high people should be assigned attendants
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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